Daddy vs The Poopocalypse
Let it be said that on this day, on this day one brave soul answered the unexpected call of destiny.
Our hero, armed with just wipes and determination did battle with the insidious beast that was the 6 day poo. Truly he faced a sticky and implacable foe that had dark machinations to engulf the house alongside his young daughters clothes.
Our hero in-spite of the poopocalypse that confronted him, was unfazed .With a steely glint in his eye looked upon his nemesis and let fly his cry of battle “Oh my god that’s disgusting”.
Our hero wiped left and right, he harried the beast to the far corners of the change mat. Sensing that the beast was greatly weakened, our hero reached for the final next wipe….Only to find that his pack was empty! He was too far from his castle to hope for resupply and looked in horror as reinforcements began to appear.
Fear gripped our hero, fear the likes that would break weaker men, our hero grabbed his only daughter and ran – the beast gave chase.
This was a dangerous course, with no wipes or towel our hero would be defenceless if caught. But let it be said our hero is nothing if not crafty and he just appeared to run away. The beast harried them every step of the way but our hero finally reached his destination – the bathroom basin, where he could finally vanquish the beast. The gods, sensing that our hero was greatly weakened from his journey sent him two gifts, a shield of sponge and net of flannel
Our hero prepared for battle atop the highest point of the basin, tucking his baby daughter safely behind him.
The beast, undaunted by his unfamiliar surrounding, entered the arena of the final battle. Seeing the bedraggled state of our hero it began to laugh and belch clouds of noxious fumes.
Rain began to fall, it was if the gods themselves cried at the sight of such horror.
Our hero flung himself at the beast.
And so began a clash that shook the heavens, armed with flannel and sponge the hero lunged, parried and dabbed with all his strength. The beast was as canny as ever and managed to avoid many of our heroes mightiest blows and hide in expected places. But it was far from its lair in the deepest corners of the changemat and was not used to such wet conditions.
And so as the battle wore on, the beast gradually got weaker and more of it was washed away. Our hero knew that his foe was far from home and had little hope of reinforcement and pressed on. After many days the beast was reduced to a final smudge and as the sun broke through the clouds, with a mighty roar our hero gave the coup de grace and vanquished the horror of Honiton Road.
At the sight of hero and his daughter, the village cheered and laid out a mighty feast, our hero had worked up a might feast and wolfed down many a plate. After the feast he dressed his young daughter in fine new clothes and left her to play with her mother.
As night fell, our hero walked to the edge of the village and looked upon the distant darkening changemat lands and knew that he would meet his nemesis again.
Our hero gripped his sponge and flannel and smiled.
We need new adjectives
Once again a range of flagships will soon take to the stage and try to amaze us with their latest technological feat.
Save yourself some time.
Phone/Phablet X will probably be:
- Thinner/ fatter/no change
- Lighter/heavier/no change
- Bigger/smaller/no change
- More powerful/less powerful/no change
Those four traits can be applied to pretty much every aspect of these upcoming devices, better camera, faster processors, bigger screens, thinner screens. ‘All this power and its weighs just 10g more than last years version!’
Same shit, different day.
Smartphones like the iPhone 5C/S, Galaxy Note 3 and more will soon be unveiled on stage to a veritable cacophony of adjectives. We’ll be told by various people that these improved devices are ‘amazing’, they will ‘astound’ (rather than confound), that this new wondrous device is ‘revolutionary’.
The problem is, the previous generation were announced with the very same language.
As it stands smartphones are getting less interesting, that’s not a slight on the work involved its just a fact of a mature market that needs to be disrupted.