After a busy day at work nothing beats picking up Ellie from pre-school. At least that’s what I imagined.
Ellie had other ideas.
I should have seen the warnings when she refused to put on her shoes and my attempts to parlay were met with disinterest. Ellie prefered to lie on the floor and play with a toy. Minutes pass, patience wears thin. After the final of many requests had failed, I picked her up and fell into the trap.
She was not playing on the floor, She laid the groundwork spoke the incantations and now I stared point blank as she unleashed her greatest weapon.
The skies fell, seas boiled as before my eyes my daughter became a singular point of rage and grief.
A fully charged Armageddon tantrum.
Inconsolable and defiant, Ellie stared at me, as if I was the ruiner of all things, her eyes full of impotent fury.
“I WAS ABOUT TO PUT MY SHOES ON!” She screamed, thrashing in her car seat prison like a sundered god.
Pedestrians giving me a knowing nod and quickened their pace for none could withstand the fury.
One hour did the tantrum last, a new record from car to bath to bed.
Who will greet us when we rise? Our lovely daughter or yet another surprise?
Battle report: 23/4/17
Location: The family dinner table.
Flashpoint: Green things on plate.
Turn 1: After sighting a plate filled with the dreaded ‘green things’ Ellie rolled a 4 and played ‘Firm denial’ Daddy countered with ‘Firm but fair persuasion’ but a double 1 rendered it ineffective causing Daddy to lose two sanity points and gain a stress counter.
Turn 2: Ellie on the front foot having gained a victory point at the start of this round plays ‘Stonewalled denial’ followed by ‘Intractable decision’ gaining a full spread of defiance counters, this removes most cards from Daddy’s deck. Leaving him to play ‘Esoteric threat’ but with Ellie’s defiance level at 5 it’s easily deflected. Daddy gains another stress counter and loses a further sanity point.
Turn 3: With defeat in sight Daddy has no choice but to play ‘Pyrrhic victory’ and ‘Enforced seclusion’, however Ellie is experienced and immediately puts her 5 defiance tokens into play countering with ‘Armageddon tantrum’.
Turn 4: All is dust.
Turn 5: ‘Enforced seclusion’ runs out, Daddy weathered the storm but unclear if Ellie has more cards to play. Tentatively Daddy plays ‘saccharine bribery’ to befuddle and get Ellie to try green things.
Turn 6: Ellie decides she likes green things and eats dinner.
Turn 7: Ellie and Daddy agree on yoghurt and strawberries for dessert.
Dinner time with a three year old is many things, but dull is is not one of them.
Let it be said that on this day, on this day one brave soul answered the unexpected call of destiny.
Our hero, armed with just wipes and determination did battle with the insidious beast that was the 6 day poo. Truly he faced a sticky and implacable foe that had dark machinations to engulf the house alongside his young daughters clothes.
Our hero in-spite of the poopocalypse that confronted him, was unfazed .With a steely glint in his eye looked upon his nemesis and let fly his cry of battle “Oh my god that’s disgusting”.
Our hero wiped left and right, he harried the beast to the far corners of the change mat. Sensing that the beast was greatly weakened, our hero reached for the final next wipe….Only to find that his pack was empty! He was too far from his castle to hope for resupply and looked in horror as reinforcements began to appear.
Fear gripped our hero, fear the likes that would break weaker men, our hero grabbed his only daughter and ran – the beast gave chase.
This was a dangerous course, with no wipes or towel our hero would be defenceless if caught. But let it be said our hero is nothing if not crafty and he just appeared to run away. The beast harried them every step of the way but our hero finally reached his destination – the bathroom basin, where he could finally vanquish the beast. The gods, sensing that our hero was greatly weakened from his journey sent him two gifts, a shield of sponge and net of flannel
Our hero prepared for battle atop the highest point of the basin, tucking his baby daughter safely behind him.
The beast, undaunted by his unfamiliar surrounding, entered the arena of the final battle. Seeing the bedraggled state of our hero it began to laugh and belch clouds of noxious fumes.
Rain began to fall, it was if the gods themselves cried at the sight of such horror.
Our hero flung himself at the beast.
And so began a clash that shook the heavens, armed with flannel and sponge the hero lunged, parried and dabbed with all his strength. The beast was as canny as ever and managed to avoid many of our heroes mightiest blows and hide in expected places. But it was far from its lair in the deepest corners of the changemat and was not used to such wet conditions.
And so as the battle wore on, the beast gradually got weaker and more of it was washed away. Our hero knew that his foe was far from home and had little hope of reinforcement and pressed on. After many days the beast was reduced to a final smudge and as the sun broke through the clouds, with a mighty roar our hero gave the coup de grace and vanquished the horror of Honiton Road.
At the sight of hero and his daughter, the village cheered and laid out a mighty feast, our hero had worked up a might feast and wolfed down many a plate. After the feast he dressed his young daughter in fine new clothes and left her to play with her mother.
As night fell, our hero walked to the edge of the village and looked upon the distant darkening changemat lands and knew that he would meet his nemesis again.
Our hero gripped his sponge and flannel and smiled.